


What's An Ever After?

by AstroZone



Series: The Self-Harm Studies [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST-, Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Crying, Does self harm count as violence?, Hurt/Comfort, Is this teen and up or mature?? idk, Romangst, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, big yikes, graphic description of self harm, triggering content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23849767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroZone/pseuds/AstroZone
Summary: Roman "Princey" Sanders was not okay, and he wasn't entirely sure he ever had been.What with all the insults, being the butt of jokes, the hate from the fandom, the hidden hate from other sides, who could blame him for feeling this way?Maybe one day he'd be better. Feel better. Be more loved.But that day was not today.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Series: The Self-Harm Studies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888342
Comments: 47
Kudos: 193





	1. No Ever Afters For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Sanders Behavioral Health? Haven't heard of her, sorry.
> 
> (for those who don't understand the joke- I'm writing Sanders Behavioral Health. Check it out if you wanna! [shameless plug])
> 
> Have some random, triggering, Romangst. Hope it makes you happy. Er, sad. One of those :)
> 
> Might I stress that it's POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING CHECK THE TAGS thank you

Sobs wracked his body as he curled up on the floor, head shoved between his knees and chest. He whimpered, a long, low sound as he tried not to make too much noise in the dead of night.

Roman “Princey” Sanders wasn’t okay, and he hadn’t been for a long, long while. 

Yet the pain that came with every night cried asleep never got old. And it _hurt_ , it hurt as he tried to breathe in slowly, the air passing through the weight in his chest, making him ever so aware of its presence, sending him spiraling back into the depression.

The tears flew down his cheeks gracefully, and at this point he wasn’t entirely certain he wasn’t going to flood the room with salty water.

He pounded the floor, the dull pain distracting himself from his thoughts momentarily. He did it again, and again, and again, until Roman saw a drop of blood stain the hardwood floor.

He gasped, stilling his movement. _This is all going too fast._

  
  


Really, he didn’t know why he was overreacting so much. It was the same kind of day as normal.

“Maybe quiet down a bit, kiddo,” Patton had said. It stung, but not any more than it usually did.

“Arrogant, much?” Virgil had muttered when Roman had promised them that his latest project was going to be the _best ever! All other creations would bow down when passing this one!_ Typical behavior from Roman, and typical behavior from Virgil, why did it hurt him so?

And when Logan said, “your work is subpar,” Roman didn’t even bat an eye, why was he crying over it hours later?

Janus had hissed, “great job, _Roman_ , you did _brilliantly_ ,” Roman had played off the lie like he always did, treating it as though it was a genuine compliment, even while his brain chanted ‘ _liar, liar, liar_ ’.

Remus only did his typical thing, hitting him over the head with no warning, dashing in a handful of emotional pain along with the physical. His head still ached, but his heart hurt more.

When he faced the mirror and told himself he was _worthless, idiotic, cruel, and unjust_ , he hadn’t said anything new.

Surely by this point he should be used to the scorn? To the side comments, the glares, and the insults? Yet every night arrived the same, with Roman crying himself to sleep on the bedroom floor. He was weak, and a coward, and he knew it from the bottom of his heart.

His hand shot up to cover his mouth as he heard footsteps coming down the hall. _Who was up at this hour..?_

“Roman?” A soft, groggy voice asked. The light from the hallway shifted, the beams coming through under the door. It was Virgil. “Are you awake? Thought I heard something…” 

Roman shrunk into himself more, hiding his face in his knees as a low whimper escaped. It was quiet, just enough so that, after a few long moments, Virgil muttered “Must be imagining things…” before walking back down the hall. Roman punched himself in the head. _Idiot, what are you doing?! Don’t wake everybody up just because you decided to act like a little baby!_

  
  


The feelings, the bad, horrible feelings, started long ago. Roman couldn’t remember an exact age, but years ago, maybe at age 7 or 8, Thomas had shown a friend his newest work of art, and, after asking his friend to answer honestly, had been told that it wasn’t very good. At all. And for the first time Roman felt… lonely. He had been there with Patton and Logan but he hadn’t felt more alone and empty in his then-short life.

Those feelings only grew over time. While Thomas showed his work to his friends less and less, Roman lied more and more. He hesitated more, hid away all of his ideas until he deemed them _perfect_ to share with Thomas and the other Sides. And his standards for _perfect_ only got higher and higher. 

Roman started feeling better during Thomas’ vine days. They allowed Thomas to create a different _kind_ of creative content, in short, 6-second bursts. People loved them. And they hated them. After all, with that kind of a following, haters were pouring in from every hole they could get through. Roman tried not to let it affect him. _He failed_ _._

A character based off of him appeared in those vines. Logan and Patton, too. And once, even Anxiety. All of them seemed to be met with open arms.

_Then_ , oh then, Thomas started _Sanders Sides_ , and it was the single most best and worst idea Roman ever had.

The first episodes were pretty great, of course, and Roman started feeling truly accepted, even if all the fans didn’t like him. 

Virgil appeared in one of the videos. Roman was brought in, and one of the first things he was told was ‘ _I_ **_hope_ ** _and_ **_dream_ ** _to get rid of my anxiety’_ , and what was Roman supposed to do with that? Go against his host?

Roman knew that he went too far. He understood that, now. But everyone blamed him for it all. _That sounded selfish_ , he didn’t _want_ the blame on Thomas or the others, he just… wanted to stop hurting.

_Except he didn’t know how he had gone too far. He said some mean things, and used a couple nicknames, but those weren’t Earth-shattering, were they?_

Sure, he and Virgil were on _okay_ terms now, but that didn’t change what he did. That didn’t overrule the taunting, the insults, the nicknames swapped back and forth between the two. A little voice in his head told him that it wasn’t entirely his fault. Virgil had done the same in return. He ignored it.

Roman opened his eyes- when had he closed them?- to look at the ceiling- when had he laid down?- and sighed. The stinging pain on his hand was the only thing stopping him from completely withering away into despair. He should probably bandage it, but he didn’t even have the motivation to get up off the floor.

He lifted his head up off the floor before letting it fall down again with a hard **_thunk-!_ **He groaned, but not in pain. Physical pain, anyway. 

Creating was _hard_ . You have to know so many different variables, so many different _ways_ of doing all sorts of things. It was so much, and often so daunting that he didn’t even know where to start. On top of that, he embodied Thomas’ hopes, dreams, ego, passion, and his romantic side. Then people like Logan had the _audacity_ to say he _wasn’t doing enough-!_

_Because you_ **_aren’t,_ ** _Roman._

Shut up, voice in his head.

He let his tears drip, drip, drip onto the floor, creating a puddle around his head. He groaned in emotional anguish, closing his eyes and curling up into a ball. His shoulder was being soaked in his tears, but Roman found he couldn’t care less as he cried himself to sleep on his bedroom floor. 

\--

Roman woke, awkwardly peeling himself off the floor. _Gross_ , his pyjama shirt was stiff from dried-up tears. He lifted a hand to his face, and- yup, it was on his face, too. He sighed. 

He ignored the pain in his neck as he stretched. He probably deserved it, anyway. Yawning, he walked towards his bed before collapsing. 

If he was right, soon- yup. The bad feelings were already returning, crushing his neutrality like a bug. His breathing picked up, and before he knew it he was hyperventilating again.

He should really get a glass of water, what with all this crying. To do that, though, he’d have to stop crying, lest someone actually _notice_ his suffering. He didn’t want to plague their thoughts with his- his _stupid neediness._

With a huff, Roman decided that if he was going to get through this day without breaking down in front of the others, he needed to do something he would regret. Only because it was hard to hide at times.

He conjured up a razor, already wincing at the thought of the others finding out. But he _needed_ it, he needed the stinging pain along his arms, it distracted him from the thousands of thoughts running around his mind at all times. 

He gasped suddenly, looking down to where he had already drawn 3 thin lines. He hadn’t even noticed…

He watched the beads of blood flow down before snapping himself out of his trance and grabbing a paper towel, tearing a strip off to wrap around the cuts before continuing. 

An unhealthy coping mechanism, but a coping mechanism all the same.

He finished wrapping bandages around his left arm before starting on the right. He’s gotta make sure that absolutely _none_ of the other sides will know what he’s done, or else-!

The door opened.

“Roman!” Patton half-sung, peeking in through the doorway. “Just wanted to tell yo-!”

They stared at each other, Roman’s mind racing to come up with an excuse. Patton stood shock-still, not even blinking as he gaped.

And then he screamed.


	2. Maybe It'll All Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman getting the Feel Good ending he deserves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the majority of this in one day and then got to the prinxiety part and was like 'Oh! better head to bed, I'll save this for tomorrow :)'
> 
> and then tomorrow came around and I found myself suddenly Unable to write good. rip.
> 
> anyway have fun!

The song  _ Maybe _ from Annie was something he often listened to in times of despair. Sure, he couldn’t exactly relate to the lyrics, but the tones of feeling abandoned yet still having hope for the future really spoke to him like nothing else could.

After all, what representation of  _ hopes and dreams _ wouldn’t constantly bring themselves and others down with their constant hope even while losing? It’s not like he could control how many times he was let down, or had hope for the impossible. It just… happened. 

Though there were a handful of lyrics he did find himself relating too, ever present within the song.

_ Betcha they’re good, _

_ Why shouldn’t they be, _

_ Their one mistake… was giving up me. _

_ So maybe now it’s time, _

_ And maybe when I wake, _

_ They’ll be there calling me baby, _

_ Maybe... _

Truly, one of the few things he wanted was for this… this sad, pitiful, broken version of himself, the true version, to be acknowledged. To be cared for, and really, to be hugged until all the sadness drained out of him.

Every day he hoped to wake up to open arms and sympathetic words, adoring nicknames and snacks galore. Sure, they never happened, but what use is a dreamer who doesn’t dream?

He wished he was still dreaming.

But no, there he was, blood dripping down his arm as the sounds of both Virgil and Logan running could be heard.

_ Oh no, oh no oh no oh no, nonononono this can’t be happening, not like  _ **_this!_ **

He felt his breath quicken, breathing faster and faster gulps of air, as he scrambled away from the door. Patton simply stared at his retreating form, mouth agape.

“Patton, are you okay?” Virgil asked, accidentally skidding into the man in question, nearly toppling the both of them over. Roman couldn’t find it in himself to laugh.

“Patton?” Logan repeated, walking into the scene. Roman distantly noticed tears streaming down his own cheeks.

After getting no response, the both of them followed Patton’s gaze to where Roman was cowering against the far wall. Logan’s eyes widened as Virgil gasped.

“I thought something was up last night…” Virgil whispered. Patton quickly ran to his side, arms flailing around for what to do to help their friend. It only caused Roman to shy away from him more, holding a hand over his bleeding arm. He hardly even registered the pain.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,  _ I’m sorry, _ ” he repeated, over and over again, louder and louder. “ **_I’m sorry!_ ** ”

The last thing he processed was the other sides rushing towards him as he passed out.

\--

“I don’t think it was from blood loss,” a voice was muttering. “It’s likely that he was simply so distressed that his body shut down.”

_ Logan, _ a voice in his head told him. He didn’t open his eyes, opting to barely register the world around him.

A hand was holding his, softly fiddling with Roman’s own fingers. Someone was pacing, back and forth, back and forth, at the foot of wherever he was resting. Muttering to it’s- well he supposed they were all male- himself.

“Is that good or bad?” another voice asked.  _ Janus _ , strangely enough. What was he doing here? His face twitched in confusion, causing a lull in the chatter. 

He supposed he should open his eyes, but looking at the last memories he had, he really didn’t  _ want _ to wake up and face the music. 

The talking picked up again seconds later, and Roman let it lull him back to sleep.

\--

When he next woke up, it was quiet. And dark. He opened an eye, just slightly. Nighttime. Perfect.

He carefully sat up, taking note of Patton on the floor next to him, holding his hand. Glancing around, he noticed Virgil asleep at the other end of the couch, Janus on the other couch with Remus sprawled across him, and Logan slumped over in the recliner.

He extracted his hand from Patton’s grasp, noting that both of his arms held bandages now. He cautiously stood up, padding over to the kitchen.

His eyes easily adapted to the dark, the product of many sleepless nights spent staring at the walls. He opened the fridge ever so slightly, careful that the light wouldn’t disturb the others. He grabbed some strawberries, eating them straight out of the box.

Roman looked sadly down the hall, wishing that he could return to his room and that everyone would forget about this. But that was next to impossible, what with the intensity of all that’s happened.

“Roman?” a voice asked, startling Roman and causing him to whip around to face the other.  _ Virgil _ .

“Ah- hello, Virgil,” he greeted, awkwardly pushing a hand through his own hair. Virgil gave him a soft smile. 

“Are… you alright?” the other asked. Roman paused before nodding.

“I think I am… It’s… hard to explain.” 

“I understand,” Virgil said, stepping closer, before hesitating and sitting on a stool by the kitchen island. Roman elected to join him, bringing the carton of strawberries with him.

“I’m not going to ask any questions, at least, not until morning. You do know we all love you though, right?”

“I mean,” Roman started, shuffling around in his chair. “I know that you all have  _ said _ it before but… Sometimes it doesn’t feel like you all do. Not really. And I know, I know, it’s probably the- the  _ insecurities _ talking but it still  _ hurts  _ and it’s so stupid, I’m so, so, so sorry for bothering you with this and-”

Roman cut himself off as Virgil grabbed his hand, holding it between his. A look of sympathy adorned his face. Roman felt himself blush. “It’s not stupid, Princey, I promise.” Virgil whispered, reaching up to move a lock of hair that had fallen into Roman’s face.

_ This boy is going to be the end of me if he keeps this up _ .

“I know it’s hard to believe, and that your mind likely says that we’re lying, but I promise, I  _ promise _ , that it’s the truth.” he paused, a blush overtaking his features. “And… God, I hope this helps… I’ve-...” he bit his lip. “I’ve been- I’ve  _ liked  _ you… romantically for ages now, if that helps prove it to you.”

He blushed wildly. “... Really?”

Virgil nodded.

In a second, Roman pushed forward and had his arms around Virgil in a tight hug. “I- me too. You too! I mean- I… I like you romantically too.” he smiled genuinely for the first time in a while. Virgil grinned back. 

“C’mon, Princey, you gotta sleep at some point here, let’s head back to the living room.”

“Okay,” he agreed quietly, letting Virgil lead him back. Sitting down, he pulled Roman to lay next to him with another smile. Roman’s head lay on his lap, and Virgil started carding his fingers through his hair.

Slowly but surely, Roman felt himself fall back to calm dreams.

\--

When Roman woke up the third time, he only waited a few minutes before yawning and sitting up, blinking blearily at the others.

_ Might as well get this over with… _

“Roman!” Patton smiled. Roman only waved slightly back, nervousness creeping in from every angle. 

“Good morning, Roman. We- ah, we must discuss some of the… events that have happened recently.”

Roman sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

It was silent for a few more moments, no one knowing what to say. 

“Can I give you a hug?” Patton said eventually. Roman felt a tear slip down his cheek as he nodded, and was quickly enveloped in an air-crushing hug.

“I’m sorry, so sorry, that we ever made you feel bad enough to- to do  _ that _ .” he said through sniffles. Roman’s lip quivered. 

“It was mostly my fault,” he admitted. “It’s not like I told you guys.”

“You shouldn’t have to!” came Patton’s response. “We should have noticed.”

He shook his head, Patton going to jump in before Logan cut him off.

“May I ask  _ why _ you chose to?”

Roman sighed. “I- I guess I just…” Virgil took his hand. “I felt… Unwanted. And disliked, and I felt like an awful person because of what I’ve done in the past and I feel like I’m always apologizing but it’s never good enough so I’ll say it again- I’m sorry.”

“Princey,” Virgil started. “You’ve apologized more than enough times.” Roman blinked at him, opening his mouth to respond before Virgil cut him off. “I’m sorry too. For what I’ve done in the past against you.”

_ Oh. _

Soon enough, Logan, Janus, and Remus all chimed in with apologies. Roman felt his tears increase tenfold as he was overwhelmed with love. He hid his face in Patton's shoulder, muttering a soft “Thank you.” in response.

Roman quickly found himself in a large group hug from every side while tears streamed down his cheeks. 

He still wasn’t cured. 

He still wasn’t erased of all his insecurities.

He still hadn’t said all he needed to say.

But for now he was  _ content. _

Because he was surrounded by his family; surrounded by people who cared for him enough to help him work towards getting better. 

So one day,  _ one day _ he would finally feel better. And for once, he felt his hope wasn’t going to end in disaster.

Roman was  _ loved _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good endings are great honestly.
> 
> hey. y'all're valid. love you, and sorry for the long wait for the finale. But here it is! First story I've completed that isn't a one-shot.
> 
> granted this is a two-shot but shhhhhh
> 
> Discord Server!: https://discord.gg/ThrkEC
> 
> Tumblr: astrozones
> 
> Twitter: astrozone3

**Author's Note:**

> :D what a wonderful, wholesome story.
> 
> Tumblr is astrozones
> 
> Join the Discord! You can yell at me or give me self confidence! Both are very welcome!  
> https://discord.gg/njxscPm
> 
> Comments give me life and even if you left a hate comment I would be eternally grateful to you for telling me your thoughts.


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